I have been having the most crazy intuitive dreams latley but last night freaked the shit out of me. Maybe its my subcontious fear of dying in childbirth or just dying in general Im not sure but somebody was there in my dream with a compelling voice telling me I had only 21 days left to live. I remember telling myself through out the night to remember that dream so when I awoke I could count the days off. Well it just so happens that the last day is the 9th. The day before I get induced. I could posibly know subcontiously that there was 21 days left untill then but doubful. Im not that on top of it. Im trying not to make much of it but its left me feeling kind of shook up inside non the less.

If I am to die then...how should I spend the rest of my days? Should I just go on as normal or should I act as if its a real possiblilty? I wouldnt think much if it had I not had a dream of getting contacted from an old friend..only to get contacked by her the next day out of the blue. It was more then a quincidence. There was an energy there as well.

I can only hope that if I do pass on my love isnt forgotten. All kinds of worrys have flooded my head of my new little girl and Journey never remembering me or how much I loved them. And Jordan...what will he remember of me? I have teared up a few times over it today. I made Jeremy a dvd from the kids of a whole bunch of pictures. I put it to 2 songs. My Caribbean Blue by Enya and then our song Stairway to Heaven by Led Zepplin. I hope that it touches him as it did me. If I had more time I would of added so many more pictures in there starting from the very beggining and ended it with Jewelles 3d and my pregnancy picture with her. I hope he likes it. It made me and Jordan tear up so its gotta be good.

I hope that I am making the best of my life and that I have touched as many people as I possibly could. I hope I shed some kind of good and love with my time here. I hope that I am not forgotten and my kids will grow up feeling my love from beyond.

I hope all goes well with labor and we both turn out perfectly healthy and it was all just anxity. Im not ready to go yet. There is still so much to see and experiance yet. It makes me think of Jeremys mother. She died at my age and Jeremy didnt remember much of her. Sarah who was only 6 or 7 at the time doesnt remember anything. She has lost out on so much but I know she is here watching over us so it gives me hope I will have some presence when it is my time.

Just wanted to say in case what ever happens happens I love all of you.

xo

So I had all these entrys talking about what I was going through being pregnant with Journey but poor Jewelle, Because I have been so busy with miss thang I havent had time to even start a journal or write in Jewelles baby book for any of this journey. Im now one month away and its just starting to kick in that shes almost here! At this point with Journey I was taking my last pictures of being pregnant at the beach. It seemed like days flew by after that. I havent packed a bag yet but I am starting the up keep on cleaning. Jewelle is so much more calm inside then Journey was. Maybe because I am to preoccupied to notice. Journey now 9 months and crawling...she really keeps you on your toes.

I'm starting to actualy talk about being pregnant now. It's all been in the background. Im starting to constintly think about labor and reassure myself I can do this again. Because it wasnt but 9 months ago I felt it with Journey...all natural its still pretty fresh in mind. I have my "Birthing From With In" Book and my "House Of Babys" show to keep me inspired and feeling like I can do it. What I would do with out those I dont know becuase im a mess right now with the fear of how things will go. I keep thinking since I did so well with my first 2 things are bound to screw up this time. I want sooo much to have a happy healthy beautiful all natural birthing experiance this time. Which reminds me...We put the little wish bags on our tree that was made from a base coven that Rayma belonged to. We were invited to circle last year for Yule. That was something so special we got to be apart of. I wish we could be doing it again this year together. I miss her so much. But I want to thank each and everyone of the members who donated the wish for us. Even with out knowing us. We felt so welcome and loved there. I did have the birth all wished for me and I am soo greatful!

I have also started to read a book on Pagan Parenting wich has been really interesting. It talks about the spirit of the baby and how it goes in and out of its physical body along with connecting to the spirit guids that are with her helping the transition into the world. It teaches you meditations to help connect with them inside the womb so its made the end of this journey so much more enritching and a reality for me. Because of the lack in bonding, its been so nice to have the books help me tune in.

We are all getting excited about seeing the new memeber of our family. I had this visualization when I was about 6 months along of Journey grabbing Jewelles hand and pulling her through her relm into ours. I sooo wish I could paint so I could paint it special for them. I have this feeling that they wanted to travel together. Jounrey started patting my belly and cooing into it at around 7 months. she doesnt do that to anyone else. Jers got his own poutch that could be interesting but..its just mine she tunes into. I just had a feeling she was awear of what was going on and who was in there. I feel like im baking her a life soul mate she knew was on its way. I keep thinking about all the sweet moments they will have and share together. I know they are going to be bonded so close and I cant wait to see that.

Yesterday we went to the Dodge dealer to look at Dodge Durangos and my heart throb the Pacifica. Little did I know the Pacifica had the seating we so despreatly need. I just hope we can find one used thats affordable. We really need a 7 seat car and I refuse to get a van:P Im to spunk and sporty for that. But you know what ever we can do. If we cant get into either then our matrix will do us fine it will just be a tight sqweeze. We test drove the Pacifca and wow. Its built on a Mercades frame so its so smooth and luxurious. Pretty much to good for us..but we can hope. It would be so nice to bring our kids home in a nice roomy SAFE car! After getting rear ended on the way home from bringing Journey home from the hospital...I just have wanted to go bigger since. I need a brute to protect my family. I HATE gas guzzlers though. Specialy when people dont use them for what they are for but I know we will use it till its bare threads with all the kids and camping we will be doing this summer.

I really cant wait untill the next chapter starts. Who would of thought a year ago I would be thinking this time next year Ill be having another one!! And be further along!! lol Its funny how life suprises you. I couldnt be happier. And thankgoddess for the easier pregnancy!! I have the pelvic crap and it really sucks but I push myself along anyways and I dont have time to dwell in it with Journey. I have some days where Im so tired hurting and overwelmed but I wouldnt trade it for the world.

xo

So after researching this condition I know I have, I call the oncall midwife to see if theres anything they can do to help aleaviate the pain. If I can see a specilist to help correct whats out of plce. I was in tears last night after doing a simple croutch on the floor to pick something up. It just didnt feel right. Sharp shooting pains and the feeling of my legs almost giving out just slammed me. Im in terrible pain night after night day after day and im just trying to cope. Every litle thing is effected.

She basicly told me that my syptoms are normal...as what the research said they will tell you but when I asked her if she knew of the condition that the research says docs normaly over look it she told me she knew what it was asked me to point to the spot wher eit hurt and tell her what it was. When I told her just one of the spots she then told me thats wasnt a place that was effected by this condition!!! WTF. So I knew she was lieing and she didnt know shit about it. After crying and getting frusterated at the fact that doctors just dont like you to tell them whats what I had Jer call her back! He asked if she would read over the research we found because its exactly what Im going through and she in turn says that she doesnt know of this condition!! and that thats not how they practice medison! (by expanding them selves and doing a little research?!?) Im going to go in the hosptial tonight and take a copy of what I found. Circle the symptoms im having and explain that I need a bone doc to see how bad the situation is. If it goes over looked it can result in perminte damage!!! The site also said that most doctors and midwifes over look it and tell you its normal but to stick with your guns and be persistant soo thats what im doing! It took one women 5 years to fight her way to get recognised for this condition! I cant stand when doctors dicks are to fuckin big to see they dont know everything! And that patence actualy do have a fuckin brain in thier head!

I cant stand it when all they wanna say is im over weight and its normal!! Not everything is normal. obviously I dont labor normal either! I have to fight to get good care and im tired of it. Im waiting till 7 when her shift is over because otherwise I would rip her a new asshole! She was a compleat bitch and im so glad I never saw her! Sally warned us about her, saying she was more "conservitive" and when I saw the look on her face after she double checked to see if she would be in this weekend I should of known that what she really ment was that she was a bitch. She told us to make sure we did do the birth plan in case I went into labor and got her this weekend! Now I understand why!

So I told jer if I go into labor before 7 im going to the tracy hosptial or Ill request another doctor to deliver my ass! I cant stand that mantality! I balled as I read all the symptoms because I have been just trying to deal all this time. I finally found out whats wrong and it was such a relife. To hear a doctor tell you its all in your head and that what your experiancing you just have to deal with when its chronic is total bullshit!

So tonight im going to get checked out. Its been 4 days now since I was stretching to 3 cm and why not just see how things are going. Who knows they might keep me. I would rather be safe then sorry.



I was balling. All this time and I thought I was just to fat and this is the result. The pain has been getting worse and now its unbareable. The thought of putting myself in any labor position terrifys me. Im going to have to go in there and use my big balls! Im going to have to take the bull by the horns and make them see that this is a valid and very real problem going on and that they NEED TO STOP OVER LOOKING IT!

I went to my appointment...asked the

I bought this book tonight and I have a feeling that I will be recommending it to many other mothers who plan to birth naturaly for years to come. It is extrodinarly inspiring and diverse with different tecniques to help aid in pain coping. I hope Jer will sit down with me and read it so we can come together in the birthing process. I think it will be rewarding for both of us. I want him to be a part of this extrodinary accomplishment and beable to take pride in knowing it wasnt just all up to me. I love how times have changed and men are now included in the journey.